I can relate to the grump. I was so bummed today because I woke in the kind of pain that brings tears to my eyes in my neck and shoulder. The kind of pain that makes me not even want to hold up my head, but instead bury my face and sob self pity tears. I am tired of this. It’s exhausting. It’s overwhelming.
So I will tell this little story that I’m tired of telling.
I am 35 years old. About 5 years (maybe even more, it’s blurry) ago, I started having very bad pain in my legs, arms, and back. The first doctor I saw said to me “all adults have back pain. It’s just a part of life” and told me to take ibuprofen. I went back again and he told me to see a gynecologist. Because it makes so much sense that this is a “female problem.” So one gynecologist and an exploratory abdominal surgery later, nothing is discovered and I am sent on my merry way. No answers. No solutions. Still hurting all the time. Fast forward through many visits to urgent care and a very disgruntled visit to my primary, where I am told he cannot treat a breast feeding mother. I am also told that breastfeeding after a year is purely selfish on the mothers part. This is a turning point where I realize that I hate this doctor and he has no clue what the fuck he is talking about.
I change primary care and meet my amazing Dr Riaz. This man may be my savior. Blood work showed some issues and he sends me to a rheumatologist. Thank the sweet heavens. Finally I am given relief and an MRI. My MRI is “impressive—not in a good way”. I see the spine doctor and am diagnosed. Degenerative disc disease and severe spinal stenosis. Only fixable by surgery. Ok. An answer. A solution. Fucking panic. 6 weeks of not being able to pick up my sweet baby.
It’s scheduled for September 10. I’m excited but not excited. I’m looking forward to relief and being able to do all the stuff I want to do with the kids without feeling angry and resentful towards my own body.
I want to love my body.
Today was Mt Rainier. Even with the fog, it was beautiful. We walked, not hiked because it was paved, to myrtle falls.
Very nice day with my parents. I’m so glad I came!!!
Effy Wild wants me to do this. Why? Well I guess to get things moving in my teeny tiny brain. For 30 days.
Maybe I can keep up?
I’m in Seattle right now. Sitting outside, where its soft and cool. On the roads here, it seems harsh in some places. Construction, garbage and a huge transient community. That surprised me. But when you pass all of that up, everything seems earthy and full of growth. There are gardens and wildlife. There is conservation. Still soaking in the contrast.
I want to add a picture but I don’t have the first clue how.